and then reset at midnight like it normally does, It is 1:35am and tumblr told me on my main blog that my post limit was reached, THAT is bullshit.. I have NEVER reached post limit within ONE hour of the reset, not possible.. I wasn’t even reblogging that much. and certainly not TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY things.
It doesn’t matter what I was trying to do, the only thing that matters is what I ended up doing. I hurt a friend, I spent my time worrying and waiting and feeling guilty but how in the world did he feel? He spent his time forgiving and coming back when he shouldn’t have.
The truth is that I used him as a punching bag sometimes.. Maybe not on purpose, probably subconciously.. he was there and it was easy to go off on him when I was in a bad mood, it was easy to push him away because he would come back, I took advantage of his kindness but I took his friendship for granted. He was there for me, constantly understanding and supportive until he just couldn’t take it.
I pushed him away, I yelled at him, I accused him of hating me, of not liking me, of not caring about me, of not wanting to be friends after four years of my back and forth paranoid, anxiety induced delusions of how he really felt about our friendship… My insane and inane jealousy over the people in his life, the fact that he had a life outside of talking to me, the unanswered text messages, the fact that I kept bringing up stuff that should have been forgotten, I didn’t respect him or his wishes and I never gave him the space or the time to breath again.
My friendship was a dark cloud over his head, a hand pressed against his throat.. Instead of being happy to be around me and to speak to me he was terrified that he would do something or say something that would set me off (again) and I would spiral out of control, I would guilt trip him so many times “You made me wait for three months!” But he only left because I made him leave, he only stayed silent because I wouldn’t shut up, I was so concerned with the thoughts of being hurt, real or just in my mind.. that I didn’t see he was hurting.
I hurt my best friend, I made him sad.. I made all the moments of happiness slip away, I made him regret our friendship because I was scared he resented me for it all, I wouldn’t let the past go and now we have no future, I made all the make ups and come backs before mean less.
It doesn’t matter what I was trying to do, explain myself, the situation.. Because he already knew what was going on, I was the only one who seemed to be lost (inside my paranoid thoughts) I couldn’t move on, so he had to.. The only thing that matters is that I took a kind sweet boy who was there for me through some of the darkest moments of my life, and made him regret all the choices he made when he came back… I made him feel like a fool, I made him question himself, I made him doubt his decision, I made him feel guilty, i made him feel bad for things he could never control, I put all the blame on him and if it wasn’t on him it certainly wasn’t on me.
I’m so sorry..
I know you’re hurt and I apologize.
I know you might not be able to accept my apology because you don’t trust it and I understand.
I know you might not think I understand but I do.
I’m sorry for every terrible thing I’ve done to you.
In Order of Apologies - dreamsthroughwords